Posted in culture, family

It’s not a cowboy hat or an adventurer hat or a costume.

People react a lot to my hats.

dadhatanother
Mel wearing a brown brimmed hat I wear all the time.

Maybe it’s because I’m in Vermont.  I don’t know.  People come up with a lot of weird meanings for my hat.  They think it’s a cowboy hat.  Or an adventurer hat.  Or some kind of costume.  It’s not any of the above.  It’s my father’s hat.

Maybe it’s an Okie thing.  People wear hats.  Wearing hats has specific meanings I can’t put into words easily.  I can look back in generations of family photographs and find people wearing similar hats, similar clothes.

ancestors with hats
Some of my Okie ancestors, with hats.

My father always wore a hat.  But he wore them for different reasons.

One of my favorite memories of my father and his hats was the way he’d wear it when he was headed out to do something important.  He might still be wearing his usual jeans and shirt, but the hat meant things were important and he was dressing up.  You could tell by how deliberately he put it on.

And he wore these hats as if the hats grew out of his head.

I saw hats in family photos, hats on family members, I saw the way people treated their hats, the way they touched their hats, the way they wore their hats.  Hats are important in my family and culture.

Ron holding baby Mel.
My dad in one of his hats holding me as a baby.
Dad squatting in woods
My dad squatting in the woods in one of his hats.

When my father died, he sent me a lot of his hats, and a lot of his shirts and suspenders.  I began wearing his clothes, or his style of clothes, every day, including his hats.

People told me for the first time in my life I looked comfortable in my own skin.

Me in my dad's clothes
Me wearing my dad’s clothes and hat, feeling utterly natural.

It wasn’t a conscious thing.

But the clothes started looking like they grew on me, the same way they looked like they grew on him, the same way similar clothes look like they grew on many of our relatives who dress similarly.

I started feeling more connected to him.

It sounds like a cliché, but maybe some things are clichés for a reason:  Wearing his clothes made me able to feel connected to him, I found the parts of me that he left deep inside of me when I wasn’t looking.  It wasn’t about how I looked in the clothes, it was about how I felt in them.  I felt connected to him, connected to my family, connected to my culture.  I felt things that have no words, no names, more depth than you’d imagine from a set of clothing.

But then I always connected to the world well through objects and the connections between them.

And, it turns out, so did my father.

I continue to discover him inside of me in ways I could’ve never imagined.

I continue to discover the things he has passed down to me without word or instruction.

And those things, that love, are the most valuable things of all.  They form connections and bonds between people.  They’re important.

Photo on 3-2-18 at 2.58 PM #3
Mel slouched over in bed wearing my dad’s clothes and hat, with my cat Igor looking on.
orangeshirtdadhat
Mel wearing one of my dad’s orange shirts and hats.

So when you see me in any of my dad’s hats.  It’s not a costume.  It’s not a cowboy hat.  It’s not an adventurer hat.  It’s a connection to things I didn’t even know were inside me, between me and my dad, between me and my family, between me and my culture.  It’s remembrance and love but it’s so much more.

People are often taught to view clothing as superficial and vain.  To view objects as just meaningless dead things.  But clothing can tell you a lot about where you come from.  It can connect you to your roots, however loving, uncomfortable, and complicated those roots might be.  It can be a reminder of who you really are.

I’m glad I wear my father’s hats.

 

Author:

Hufflepuff. Came from the redwoods, which tell me who I am and where I belong in the world. I relate to objects as if they are alive, but as things with identities and properties all of their own, not as something human-like. Culturally I'm from a California Okie background. Crochet or otherwise create constantly, write poetry and paint when I can. Proud member of the developmental disability self-advocacy movement. I care a lot more about being a human being than I care about what categories I fit into.

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