Posted in Things I try to hide

I hide what I don’t know when the blankness is huge.

A lot more of the time than I let anyone realize, most of the world is blank.  Most of what happened is blank.  Most of what is supposed to be background knowledge is blank.  Most of the past is blank. Lots of the present is blank.  Lots of things are blank.

And to let anyone know is terrifying.  Because I don’t want people to ever realize how much I sometimes don’t know at a given time.  I’m afraid of what would happen to me if people knew.

The world starts fresh over and over for me, fresh from a moment.  I start not knowing where I came from or what is happening and I wing it.  Over and over.  I am good at just acting in the moment and not letting on that I feel I just appeared in that moment.

Eventually, eventually it all filters down into awareness, memory, and I can write about it:   I just appeared where I am.  I don’t know how I got here.  I don’t know what led up to here.  Everywhere I look is blankness.  This is a common thing.

And I may not pass as not cognitively disabled but I sure as hell try to gloss over the extent.  And since people don’t expect such level of blankness it works in some circumstances.  I haven’t even managed to convey the half of it.  But I probably never will.  I’ve tried.  Hence this.

So what do I do?

Hold onto a familiar rock and hope that things beyond the rock will be familiar again one day and the world will expand again and not everything will be blank.

Photo on 6-18-18 at 6.24 PM.jpg

When I can remember the rock.

Author:

Hufflepuff. Came from the redwoods, which tell me who I am and where I belong in the world. I relate to objects as if they are alive, but as things with identities and properties all of their own, not as something human-like. Culturally I'm from a California Okie background. Crochet or otherwise create constantly, write poetry and paint when I can. Proud member of the developmental disability self-advocacy movement. I care a lot more about being a human being than I care about what categories I fit into.

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