it happens to me all the time, I am used to it, but I hate it.
I wake up into a new world.
Then I have to figure out how to function in that world.
And sometimes that works out.
And sometimes it really doesn’t.
Laura keeps saying she never realized until living with me this long, how much difficulty I have in certain areas.
Mostly eyesight, time, and memory.
It is like things are just blank where they should not be blank. Probably seizures or something related to the epilepsy even if it isn’t directly seizures.
And I get really confused, disoriented, and insecure.
Insecure like a terror that I did something wrong in the blank spot I don’t remember.
And sometimes I have.
Today I need to eat and I can’t remember something about how.
This is normal.
But for now there is nobody to ask because of other things going on in life.
So i am just waiting, and scared, and there’s stuff I don’t understand.
All of this it happens all the time.
I do hide some things about my disabilities sometimes and that includes, well… especially, I hide eyesight issues and certain cognitive issues. So I pass as far more sighted than I actually am. And I do not know how well I pass cognitively but I know that I at least try to hide how disoriented I get and the full extent of my memory and time confusion.
So what I end up doing in these circumstances.
I do what I know how to do and then just wait for things to work, if I can’t find anyone.
This is NOT a request for help or attempts at help, those things make it worse and make me not ever want to write about this. And today I just can’t deal with explaining.
Anyway this is just to talk about the fact that this goes on. So people know what it is like, and that it happens, and things like that.
So like today, I will do any of a number of things. Like I did some washing up around the house earlier and some crochet, and am about to do meds. I just can’t at the moment figure out a few things that are crucial to eating. And I can’t ask for help. So I just have to wait until all the time and abilities and people come together — and they will — and eventually I will eat. This is not ideal. It is what happens though, when there just is not the resources to do things right. It used to be I really did get help in areas I didn’t have the skills for, by people trained and paid to do it. Right now it is all falling on two shoulders, mine and someone with an autoimmune disease, and that just is not how it should be working.
But the waking up disoriented and missing huge amounts of information about the world is almost a daily occurrence, sometimes even more than daily.