So i just got out of the hospital. I had the flu. Luckily only the flu. But my body is hanging by a thread. A thread. Like they changed around my stomas and everything there is leaking. I keep falling to the floor from the congenital myasthenia caused by my AGRN mutation. i am still slighty delirious. Usually I get passive delirium. This is active delirium — the kind people pick up faster. I stood on my bed. I ripped my hair out. I was convinced they were going to kill me. And that they were easing me into death.
But I am learning. Especilally learning the hard lessons about surrendering to not knowing what is going on. That was a hard one for me. At one poiint the nurse said I needed ADD meds. And apparently the fastest way to get a “sitter” (someone who stays in your room at all times) is to “bedstand”.
I am freezing cold all the time from adrenial insufficiency.
But I did a lot of facing my mortality in hospital.
Despite or because of thinking I was already dead and possibly in hell. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. But old training dies hard I guess.
Anyway I feel really good about all this. And I have made a promise to my friends to go back to typing for good. Speech makes my brain hurt. And even my doctors worry when I speak. Usually a sign of delirium. And as the delirium wears off, I do better with typing. Speech is evil. For me.
I would urge my friends who speak under stress to type anyway. Emergency speech can still be frigging evil.
Oh and I’m trying to cuss less, despite the title of this blog.