Nor does it make it okay to hurt someone because they enjoy what they’re getting to do while you’re hurting them. (Note: Throughout this post, remember that anything that happens to me is happening to other people, and that’s one of the reasons I write about these things. And as usual I’m not asking for anything that any other client doesn’t deserve as well.)
I had a recent and very surreal meeting with some people from Howard Center.
One of the many surreal moments came when Laura1 tried to bring up the issue of medical neglect within the recreational services I was getting. I was part of a community garden. I needed help maintaining my plot. I could do some things but not others. Anyway, they basicaally made me do things a person with severe osteoporosis and autonomic dysfunction should never be made to do, with regards to bending, lifting, and heat exhaustion.
The woman from Howard’s response was a bewildered “But I thought Mel liked gardening.”
Yeah. I like gardening. I don’t like bending clear to the ground with a stress fracture in my vertebra and recently healed rib fractures all over the place. Nor do I like not being able to take breaks to avoid heat exhaustion without all assistance with the garden stopping for the day.
And yeah I actually did enjoy getting on the ground and getting my hands in the ground and all that. Even when it was bad for me.
It doesn’t mean that what they did to my body was okay.
That is a picture of me doing something I loved doing and was proud of.
That is also a picture of me being forced to do something in a way that was physically dangerous to me.
These things are not contradictory.
In fact, it’s very common in human services for them to go hand in hand like this.
The fact that I enjoyed gardening doesn’t make it okay for them to insist that I garden in a way that’s unsafe2 for me or get no chance to garden at all.
Actually, the fact that I enjoy it makes it worse that they did this.
Because they can use what you enjoy in order to get you to do things the way they want you to do them. Even at the risk of great harm to yourself. Because you’re way more likely to agree to do something like this if you enjoy the activity in question.
So. No. My enjoying it doesn’t make what happened okay. It makes it worse, if anything. You shouldn’t have to risk broken bones and heat exhaustion to get any chance at all do things you like doing. But that was the choice I was given. And it’s not okay. It’s far from okay.
Real Social Skills has a good post on a related topic (which I can say from experience with behavior mod, is true even when you do enjoy it, it can still be harmful): Appearing To Enjoy Behavior Modification Is Not Meaningful
1 Laura is:
- My durable power of attorney for healthcare
- Frequently my cognitive interpreter at meetings
- Someone who helps me advocate for myself and is much more effective at it than I am
- My ‘second mother’ (and eventually will legally adopt me), has served in a semi-parental role since I was 17. (Doesn’t replace my parents, but has helped them out a lot.)
So she’s there at a lot of important meetings. One of the most important things she does for me is cognitive interpreting: She helps me understand what other people are talking about, and helps them understand me even at times when I’m unable to get language across. This is a form of interpreting that most people don’t even know exists. Sometimes also called English-to-English interpreting when it happens in English.
The fun part is when she says what I’m thinking, I verify that she’s indeed said what I’m thinking, and she’s told that she couldn’t possibly know what I was thinking because the other person couldn’t tell what I was thinking. If the other person could tell that well what I was thinking, I probably wouldn’t need a cognitive interpreter so badly.
2 Because people seem to use ‘unsafe’ to mean anything from dangerous to uncomfortable these days, let me clarify that I mean dangerous. Heat exhaustion is dangerous, especially when you have autonomic dysfunction. Broken bones are dangerous. Broken bones when you have adrenal insufficiency are especially dangerous. This wasn’t subtle.