Posted in Developmental disability, disability rights, Self-advocacy

I’ll take the ‘dirty’ dick jokes rather than the ‘clean’ r-word jokes, thanks.

I watch a lot of standup.  I watch good standup, bad standup, everything in between.  I just watch standup whether I like it or not.

And I vastly, vastly prefer the comedy that allows for dick jokes and other things that aren’t considered ‘clean’.

Obligatory hot dogs…

Because it’s less likely to seriously offend me.

Because people with intellectual and developmental disabilities are acceptable targets of ‘clean’ comedy.  So when they get rid of all the dick jokes and all the stuff that’s socially unacceptable and ‘dirty’, they’re left with acceptable targets.

Which includes me.

And no, hating r-word jokes is not the same as censorship or not being able to laugh at myself.  I laugh at myself, and at disability, all the time, to the point it makes a lot of nondisabled people really uncomfortable.

The issue is that most r-word jokes are hate.

They’re not meant in good fun.

They say “You’re not a human being.”

It doesn’t matter if you cloak that message in humor, it’s never okay.

The primary targets of the r-word are people with intellectual disabilities.  But it has a broader range than that — it’s aimed in general at a group of people who are harder to define.  Anyone who can be easily mistaken for someone with an intellectual disability, certainly.  And anyone who’s been, in the imaginations of most people, sort of lumped together as this blob of people who aren’t really human beings.  That includes most people with developmental disabilities, some people with cognitive disabilities, and, as I said, it’s a group whose borders are fuzzy and indistinct.  But we’re all lumped together under the r-word in the imaginations of the people who use it.  It’s not a diagnosis, it’s a slur.

And I don’t use the word slur lightly.

To me, for a word to be a slur, it has to be a word that contains within it the notion that the people targeted by it are not really people or human at all.

It can’t just be an insult that’s often thrown at a particular group of people.  It has to be more than that.

The r-word is probably the slur I have absolutely the least tolerance for.

People have been calling me the r-word since I was a child.

My voice sometimes has ‘that tone’ in it that people associate with the r-word.  A sort of ‘dullness’.  People imitating my voice have always taken advantage of that.  And they imitate my posture and mannerisms as well.

By the way it’s very fucked up to have a common mannerism associated with people like you, be the actual American Sign Language word for the r-word.

But you don’t need to speak ASL to use our mannerisms and tone of voice against us.

And yes — people used the r-word on me even when I was technically classified as gifted.  In fact, they told me “Gifted is just what they call [r-words] to convince them they’re doing well in school when they’re really going to special classes.”  I’m not the only person I know with developmental disabilities who was told this growing up.

I was also told I looked like a [r-word] as a way to get me to behave more normally.  It didn’t work.  I never had any idea what they were talking about.  (I also got called “blind” and “psychotic” in similar circumstances.  There was always a tone of complete disgust, like I was a dog who’d just shat on the table at a fancy dinner party or something.)

At any rate, r-word jokes aren’t funny.  At least, not the ones I’m talking about.

And the fact that they’re considered perfectly acceptable for ‘clean’ comedy to the point they seem more common there than in the ‘dirty jokes’ kind, says a lot too much about the society we live in.

R-word jokes are an expression of hate, not an expression of humor.  It’s not just the word, it’s the way it’s used.  It’s the acceptance that those of us targeted are not human beings.  It’s the knowledge that every time someone accepts this kind of hate into their mind, people like me are at more risk of bullying, abuse, hate crimes.  And that most people don’t even register it as hate.  Even though it’s some of the most horrible and dangerous hate I’ve ever seen.

Sacha Baron-Cohen says, “I am exposing.  I am airing prejudice.”  The only problem is that the people [who] are laughing, are not laughing at the prejudice.  They’re applauding the prejudice!  When the joke is “Throw the Jews down the well, kill the Jews” it’s not funny.  But even if it was funny, they’re applauding it.  

Abraham Foxman, “The Last Laugh”

I agree with a lot of the people on “The Last Laugh”.  It’s a documentary about where the line is between acceptable and unacceptable topics for humor.  I don’t think there’s unacceptable topics for humor, but I do think there’s more and less acceptable ways to handle them.  And a lot of it depends on who is saying the joke, how they are saying it, and what they are saying. 

And when I talk about r-word jokes, I’m talking about people without any of the disabilities covered by the r-word making jokes at our expense.  Telling a joke that has real-world consequences and hiding behind “It’s just a joke” is both cowardly and dishonest.  And I feel like there’s a tradition among comedians to hide an immature impulse to do whatever you’re told not to do, behind some kind of pretense of moral nobility.

Give me a good dick joke any day.  Seriously.  Sex can be funny.  Hate isn’t.  At least, expressing hate is not funny.  Tell some good jokes about asshole comedians who think hating people with I/DD is ‘clean’, though, and I might laugh.

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Posted in Developmental disability service system

Big Words

An old-fashioned girl and boy, she is older, and she is pointing in his face as though lecturing to him. A caption says, "People think I'm too patronizing. (That means I talk down to people.)"
“People think I’m too patronizing. (That means I talk down to people.)”

So years ago I took a sexuality and relationships class from my developmental disability agency.  The class wasn’t actually half bad and I learned a lot. One of the two instructors, though…

So there’s a bunch of us in the lobby of the building waiting around for class to start.

And they decide to do some kind of introduction to the class down there in the lobby before we go up to the room the class is in.

And there’s two instructors, a woman and a man.  I know the man, he’s okay.  But the lady is one of those people who’s secretly terrified of people with developmental disabilities and masks it with twenty layers of condescension.  And they always think we don’t notice. We always notice.

So she’s talking down to us, and asking us what we expect to learn in the class, and so forth.

And a guy with an intellectual disability very deliberately asks, “Are we gonna learn about cunnilingus?”

She flinches, tries to recover, goes five times as sing-song, and says, “Woowwwwwww, that’s a biiiiiiiiig woorrrrrrrrrrrrrd.”

We were… unimpressed with her, to put it mildly.  And she had no idea what an ass she was making of herself.

Anyway, I wish I could think quicker on my feet, or I’d have quoted Terry Pratchett:

“Hello, little girl,” he said, which was only his first big mistake. “I’m sure you want to know all about hedgehogs, eh?”

“I did this one last year,” said Tiffany.

The man looked closer, and his grin faded. “Oh, yes,” he said. “I remember. You asked all those… little questions.”

“I would like a question answered today,” said Tiffany.

“Provided it’s not one about how you get baby hedgehogs,” said the man.

“No,” said Tiffany patiently. “It’s about zoology.”

“Zoology, eh? That’s a big word, isn’t it.”

“No, actually it isn’t,” said Tiffany. “Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite small.”

-Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men (exchange between a girl named Tiffany and a wandering teacher trading knowledge for food)

As it is, I think we all settled for rolling our eyes and the like, which our instructor of course missed entirely.   Just like she missed the point of the guy choosing a word like cunnilingus when being talked down to…